The Advisor Advises

Mr. Ball* asks via my advice page on another far less updated site: "How often do most people clip their toe nails? I feel like I'm doing it once a month. Is that normal?" Well Mr. Ball, normal is a difficult word to define. According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language the biological definition of "normal" is "Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies." So, you have to ask yourself the question, "When I feel the need to cut my toe nails, is there any observable abnormalities or deficiencies causing me to feel this way?" My guess is that you are feeling abnormal or deficient. Why else would you ask me for advice? The next assumption that I freely and blindly make is that you are concerned about more than the frequency of your toenail clipping. You are also concerned about the condition of your toenails. You poor, unfortunate man. The American Podiatric Medical Association calmy assures us that our toenails often serve as barometers of our health. Whether your problem is ingrown or of a fungal nature I cannot tell from your simple and elusive question. The problem may be that you are wearing excessively tight hosiery which causes moisture. My suggestion, which I'm sure would be fully supported by the APMA, is to avoid applying polish to the infected nail, crack open a cold one and get the Carcassonne ready, 'cause you don't drink or play with your feet!
PS: I cut mine about once every two months, but they're abnormal.
*Mr. Ball's name has not been changed. He's old enough to protect himself.